Tag: thestory

Huxley part four: I am safe. L&D

One major fear I had after we lost Huxley that I hadn’t expressed yet was the thought of Billy walking out completely alone, without a child and without a wife. Now to fully explain this I need to go back to the night before. This is when everything was still okay for us. We didn’t know we’d lost Huxley at this point and I was going over my birthing affirmations. I didn’t do this with Samuel but I did with Molly and there was one affirmation that stuck out back then and I told Billy what it was and asked him to repeat it more often than the others. He did and it was great, calming and a good comfort during labor. So the night before I was going over my affirmations and I expected the same one to comfort me but instead it was a different one. One that made no sense to me either. It read “You are safe”. I found it weird because when I wrote it on a card… well I almost didn’t because it wasn’t like the others I lit I figured I might as well put all the ones I found. The others are phrases like “you are strong and every contraction brings you closer to your baby”. Some we’re scriptures that I found encouraging, etc so “you are safe” was a little out of place for me because it wasn’t really a major fear of mine at this point but God knew. I was reading these notecards with the affirmations on them and that one kept just relaxing me and bringing me comfort and peace. I told Billy and we chuckled as he asked “are you nervous or something” I said “actually, no but this is what’s comforting me so use it”! And we laughed some more.

Fast forward to after we lost Huxley and labor was getting stronger, everyone had left and it was just me, Billy, and Brooke. Billy stepped out to make a phone call or take a breather or maybe cry I’m not really sure but it was just me and Brooke in the room and she saw I looked either different or distressed or worried and asked what’s going on besides the obvious? I just told her I was nervous and mad and just wanting the rest of the day to “go my way” whatever that even means because I’d have taken anything not going my way to just have Huxley but anyways, she offered to pray with me and I don’t remember the whole prayer but she said “Lord, let Katina know she’s safe, she is safe with you…” after she finished I broke down and told her I was scared. Not really of losing my life but what it would mean if I did and that I didn’t want Billy walking out completely empty handed. Then I shared that the affirmation, that was so so comforting to me just the night before that I had completely forgotten about and even thought was silly at the time, she had just prayed for right then without even knowing it and a wave of peace surrounded me. I thought “Oh yeah, He sees me, He knows me and every fear and every moment of my life. He knew every moment of Huxleys life” and while I don’t believe losing Huxley was His will, I do believe that He is not surprised by that day or any day before it or any day since.
I asked if she’d spoken with Billy about that affirmation and she hadn’t. She had no idea that those words had a specific hold on me. I didn’t even know they had a hold on me. But God knew. He knew what I’d be going through and He knew what my fears would be and He prepared me to let me know He was there, He sees me and He loves me. I needed the reminder. I still struggle with the goodness of God some days. I know He is good. Sometimes I just have a little fight within and want to yell “but then why this”! Then I remember that’s not what faith looks like and he shows me day in and day out that He is indeed good.

Anyways, from there I felt safe to move forward. Labor felt like forever, I don’t think that’s specific to me though. All of my labors have felt like forever and anyone who has been pregnant probably feels the same. I worked really hard for a long time laboring in all the ways, Billy and Brooke doing all the things to help me. (Can I just say how amazing Billy is. He’s amazing always has been but especially during labor. I couldn’t ever have a better partner than the one I have in him. And Brooke was amazing too, I think very highly of her and will forever be bonded to her).

I wound up using some narcotics to help me space out some. I wouldn’t have used them if Huxley were alive and I don’t think my (also very amazing) doctor would have let me either but they were doing all things to help me get through this. At 9 cm I had been laboring for quite some time and got the epidural. This was a question in the room amongst staff as to why I wouldn’t get one sooner in a situation like this. The answer is simple: I have bad reactions to them and didn’t want it. But I was tired and had been at it for a long time, had pitocin which amped up the contractions, and was starting to fall apart at the idea of meeting my sweet baby boy. I got the epidural, I think I took a nap, at some point my cervix started swelling and was given Benadryl to help that but it in turn also made me sleepy. Finally I was complete and ready to push. I pushed for over 3 hours. I remember asking strange questions like peoples favorite states to visit, and I’m pretty sure I was passing out from exhaustion. Then the time came when he was getting close and he was crowning and this vbac was seemingly successful. I birthed his entire head and then he got stuck. I begged the doctor to just pull him out. I was done being pregnant. I was done pushing. I was done with this whole worst day ever. I hadn’t really grieved much yet and I was ready to start but I needed to be done and holding him now. I begged and she couldn’t. She did everything. My doctor was incredible and kind and compassionate the entire time and every day I’ve seen her since. She cried the entire time with each new thing that failed to get him all the way out. She tried hooking his shoulder to get him in a better position to finish his delivery. But it didn’t work. She looked at Brooke and said “he’s not coming out vaginally, I can’t get his shoulder. He’s stuck” over hearing her I said “what does that mean? His head is already out can’t you just pull him the rest of the way”? “no” and with tears streaming down her face she said “I have to push him back in”

Push him back in? I’m pretty sure I looked at every person in the room to see if this was some kind of joke because I didn’t know that was possible. No one was laughing. Everyone had the same look on their face as I did mine. Wide eyes, jaw dropped, and a confusion as to what this would actually look like. I stopped feeling all things in this moment and asked “what is that even going to feel like”? With the sound of heartbreak in her voice she said “just like it sounds” and she was right. That’s exactly how it felt. Horrible. Terrified, I screamed while she cried and Billy held onto me. They readied the operating room and then we had Huxley. I had a vaginal tear, abdominal surgery, a hematoma on my bladder, bruised ribs that I would feel later on, and a broken heart. I was asleep soon after or maybe even during. I woke up to the sobs of my sweet husband much later and fell back out of reality not ready to take on what being awake held. I wish I could have been there better for him in that moment. But I was safe and Huxley was next to me with Billy on my other side and he wouldn’t leave empty handed. We’d get through this together hand in hand someday.

The next week in the hospital would be full of high blood pressure and preeclampsia scare, grief, and lots of amazing friends and family coming to cry along side us.
It’s fair to say that it was the worst week of my life but even with that I have to mention how much I have been blessed with the most amazing community throughout all of this. I don’t write these blogs to have anyone feel sorry for me but to show the grace of God which I will be focusing more on as I get the story out. But to understand the depth of His grace I have to show the depth of this pain for us, all of this, all of our lives are what we use to glorify Him so I have to share the tragic times to show His grace and love and peace for me and I have to share Huxleys name and his life. He matters. His life matters no matter how short he does have purpose. God blessed us with the best team and me with the best partner in Billy and with the most amazing church who are the hands and feet of Christ and stopped their lives to grieve with us and to love on us and to help us in ALL of the ways. I’m so in awe when I think about my family and the church and our friends, that even though I am full of sorrow I am also filled with joy to be a part of what they are doing. Of who HE has called us to be and a part of His kingdom with them.

Huxley Part 3: Getting ready for labor and delivery

The next few hours were really long. Most of the nurses left to let us be for a while. We called our doula, Brooke, and she headed straight over. She cried with us and held space for us. Helped us understand what was most likely to come next and didn’t leave our side for the next 24+ hours. I’m so grateful for her support not only through labor and delivery but also through our loss and everyday since. After she got there the nurses came and asked questions and filled us in on the steps we were required to take before Huxley was born. She helped us get info for a funeral home, set up someone to come take pictures and then we had to make a bunch of decisions for Huxley that we weren’t prepared for. I just remember the list of questions being quite long but don’t remember the actual questions themselves. The nurses were amazing and said at any moment we could take a break and come back to the questions but it was almost easier to just plow through them. If I stopped and started too many times it would have just broken me down through my core and I still needed the strength and energy to birth Huxley. Not to mention some sort of mindset that said “I can do this” even though every fiber of me said I can’t.

With Brooke there and some time to comprehend what was happening we called our parents. Phone calls I will never forget. I didn’t want to tell them because I didn’t want to be the person to break their hearts. But it had to come from us. We didn’t want anyone else doing it. I remember every word and how each word sounded and felt coming out for each call. I covered my face as I told each of them as if I were ashamed to have lost my baby. I knew it wasn’t my fault and they weren’t going to blame me but still there was shame in having to admit our loss. Then we text or called a few close friends, our pastor, and Billy informed his boss what was happening.

Then we waited for my doctor to make it in after they informed her too. It took some time but when she walked in she immediately cried with us. She hugged us and then my doctor, our doula, and both Billy and I talked about what was next. I still had to birth him. My original plan was as natural as possible and since I needed to be induced we would try other options before pitocin and move from there. But after you lose your baby full term, the pull for going in for a cesarean is really strong. She assured me the choice was mine and she’d help me in any way I requested. So the four of us laid out the options and everyone was truthfully on my side and reminding me I could do this any which way and I would be strong enough to handle it and no way meant I was weak. So I went ahead with my normal plan. Natural birth as a vbac trial and the fewest interventions we could manage with the exception of going ahead with pitocin to move things along. I was torn between starting and waiting. At this point it had been a few hours, they were just waiting for me to say go. I wasn’t quite ready yet.

How is a mother suppose to labor and deliver her sleeping baby with strength, dignity, and courage when every affirmation I practiced told me I could do this because it would bring my baby into my arms. Every pain would bring him closer. I would soon meet him and hear him and get to take him home with me. I would get to start my life with him in it. The reality was, every pain took him further away from me. It was one pain closer to him being gone forever. It was a moment closer to accepting this new reality. I was in this difficult place of wanting to keep him in my womb and as close to me as possible. Not having to share him or leave him. I could keep him “safe” and away from this world or maybe it was to keep ME safe from the reality of this day. But the other part of me wanted to see him fully and wanted to give Billy the chance to hold his son and share all the moments we could together with Huxley and our older two as best we could. Then there was this third part of me that said I can’t hold this death in me any longer. It’s killing me. Spiritually and emotionally and mentally it was overwhelming me. Thankfully natural labor took progression and I didn’t have to make the decision of when. This allowed me to give the go everyone needed to start their part in delivering Huxley and we started the official induction without much other choice.

Before I labored too intensely my mom, step dad, and dad all came to see us, many nurses stopped by to give their condolences and gifts even, our pastor came to pray, and even my husbands boss and the base chaplain came to pray as well. A bereavement doula dropped off a gift and some extra information for us to help with everything we would encounter later as well. And honestly I’m not sure if others came by. I can’t remember everything in this period of time, I’ve ask for Billy and others to fill in gaps for my memory but I was quite occupied with many emotions and a lot of work ahead of me so just know if I didn’t mention you and you came- I appreciate it and if you came but weren’t allowed in to see us until later please know that I asked for some peace and it seemed as though I would need it with what was to come. They stopped allowing people in at my request and now just kept it at the intended limit of people in the room for delivery. At this point labor was strong and constant but I was doing well. Surprisingly, I was holding it together. Billy was holding it together. Brooke was there at our side praying and encouraging us and helping keep visitors updated and explaining some of the medical terminology to us all. My doctor was around more often than expected and working with us every step and keeping us informed with what the action steps could look like at every turn. There were many turns too. It felt like we were being thrown about back and forth in a terrible storm.