The days leading up to the wave of light and most of October has been hard for me and us. I’ve mentioned this already in a previous post. I wanted to write something on October 15th, the wave of light, but I was angry and sad and quite honestly, everything I wrote very much reflected that in the worst ways. I don’t want pity for saying all of this. That’s never the goal in any of my writing. Even though I’m human and know I sound pitiful sometimes. It’s not pity I’m working towards. I would argue that most people don’t want pity in any situation, especially grief. We want understanding. We all have hard things in life and talking about them, for me at least, is a good way to get through the day. No, pity is not our end goal. What we’re looking for at the end of the day, what I’m looking for is to be known. There’s good news to that.

I want those who have experienced similar loss or maybe not so similar loss to feel known in reading these posts and I want for those that can’t fully understand (I would never wish for you to actually fully understand) to feel like they have a better grasp of what it looks like without having to experience heartbreak themselves so they can know better those around them feeling deep sorrow.

I’m not opposed to showing those moments of hard and I’m not ashamed for having them either. They’re necessary and helpful in processing. They are a very real part of life and grief in general. However, when the feelings are put into words either on a page or in my head they become more solidified in me and I don’t want to solidify those moments. At least not until I’m through them with Truth in hand and heart. I want the ones where my mind and soul and heart agree upon Jesus. I want those to be the moments that define me and surround my grief. The words that glorify and honor. Not breakdown and give up, which are very real moments that I definitely have. The moments when I’m looking to God and saying I don’t understand but I trust in you Lord. These are the moments I want to become rock solid in my heart. They are the moments that I need to be my heartbeat, because sadness would have taken that beat long ago if I’d solidified the lies I was telling myself.

The truth is God didn’t need Huxley here to use his life mightily. Even if just MY life is being changed- although I believe many more will be changed.
I’m under pressure and God is going to be glorified.

Through Huxley, God has taught me compassion beyond compare. I’ve never known, experienced and given so much compassion in my empathy.
I’ve learned to love my life and to strife for the things I want but to be content with where and who I am and the change I am to be in this world.
I’ve learned true leaning on and surrendering to Christ.
I’ve learned how deep and high my prayers can go. How deep and far and wide His love goes. Especially in tragedy.
I’ve been given the honor to walk alongside old and new friends in their trials, troubles, and sorrow. While some of it is hard, it’s one of the most important things I believe I’ll do in this life. God wastes nothing and I want to be used. I don’t want my suffering to go unused. I’ve learned that I have a lot of learning to do yet. My living children teach me so much too. They teach me in their living, in their grieving, and in their testing of my abilities. God has been equipping me for the days ahead all along through all of my children. It was hard to see before but now it seems mostly clear and I can only imagine He will give me more insight as I need it.

Yet again, I will tell you I wish I could draw. I’ve seen this image a few times in the last few weeks and every time it changes me a little more. It goes like this, there’s a person being pressed in the center. They’re under immense pressure and there are people surrounding the one, walking around “doing their life” in the vicinity. But because of the pressure there’s heat. Because of the heat there is light coming out almost like a glow. Because of the light or glow coming off of them the people passing by can see and because they can see they draw closer.
The first time I just saw the person under pressure. That’s the person I related to most the first time. They’re being refined. God uses pressure to refine us like a diamond making us more and more beautiful in our spirit and walk. We are more precious than a diamond though of course. The heat that is created from the pressure and friction is molding and smoothing over the flaws making them perfect…sanctification. The light coming from the heat is His glory shining through. Others see the light and become changed by witnessing this process. Then because of that witness the people walking around are drawn into the love of God wanting what he so freely gives and by getting closer they start to be refined by the heat as well. The longer I sit with the image I see that I’m also one of the by passers. Then the longer still I see many people under pressure not just one. But the picture is large- it’s the world. We all have troubles and IF we let God, He will use what this broken world has to our good. To our refinement. He is the Good News. He knows us even when no one else can.

It will always be my honor to carry what I’ve been given to lift up my voice and be a witness for Christ. No matter how that looks whether it be writing these blogs, a book, a charity, fundraiser or walking through loss of friends and friends of friends and strangers. I will go where He leads not because I’m a victim but because I am a warrior.