It’s been a month. A whole month since we lost our baby boy. A whole. Month. I feel sort of numb saying it. The sort of numb where I have tears streaming down my face but have little emotion otherwise to show for it. I mean it’s there. The sadness, the anger, the frustration, even gratitude is there, grief is weird.

It’s been a month and from where I sit I see a vase of dead flowers from Huxley’s memorial service. My hospital bag sits on the floor untouched and still packed with most of my things. There’s a bassinet in the corner overflowing with Huxley’s things and a shelf covered in his blankets and outfits he never got to wear. Our dresser is piling high with papers, pictures, cards and books filled with condolences that we have no clue where to store or know if we’re strong enough to read and look through just yet. A whole month and yet it feels like I relive this nightmare every single day. However, not every moment is hard. We have found joy in the last month. It seems strange to even say that though. We’ve been constantly covered in prayer and felt the Lords presence with us constantly. Our family and friends have been checking in on us better than I’ve ever imagined possible. They’ve taken care of us in many ways from food, groceries, play dates, cleaning, lawn needs, gifts for us and the kids, encouraging words, laughter, crying, and so much more. We are eternally grateful for our community near and far. I will never forget the strength you have all shown to hold us up.

This month I’ve done things I’ve never imagined doing. I’ve had thoughts I wish I’d never have. I’ve said things I never thought I’d have to mutter. But this month God has drawn nearer and thankfully so because I’ve sat still not moving towards Him most days but still He comes to me and lifts my head and reminds me He loves me.

In the first 2 weeks of this month I found myself saying “I should have a baby” “ I should be nursing a baby” “ I should….” A million other things fill the end of that sentence and one day I realized “I should, nothing”. There is nothing that completes that sentence because I do not know better than God and by saying “I should” I was saying I know better. Or worse, I was saying “I deserve”. One thing that has been made clear in knowing Christ is I deserve nothing! God blesses me immensely but I deserve none of it! I’ve earned nothing. I know it sounds pitifully sad but we don’t and it really isn’t sad at all. It’s amazing when we think about it. We are only anything because He is everything. And He says I’m worthy not because of who I am or what I can or have done but because of who He is and what He has already done for me. I deserve nothing which makes the blessings I have that much sweeter. Knowing that I don’t know better than Him and knowing that I deserve nothing this side of heaven makes me that much more grateful for those blessings I’ve already been given. It still hurts that things aren’t how I thought they’d be or even the way I want them to be. I’d do just about anything to hug on Huxley alive for any amount of time but if I am to fully trust God then I have to trust Him in this too. And man am I trying. I’m not always good at it. This month has been an up and down roller coaster of trying to trust God and feeling defeated at every turn but I know His promises for me and I know His love for me and I know He is who He says He is. So I’m clinging to that knowledge and that hope. I sure do miss Huxley but right now he’s in the presence of perfect love. Even more perfect than the love of my arms. He’s in His arms.

This month has been hard. Tears fall regularly in our home these days. But there are also moments when we can’t muster up a tear while those around us cry for us instead. There are moments that combine the biggest joy with the deepest sorrow, which is one of the strangest feelings. Afterwards there’s guilt of the joy in the midst of sorrow and guilt of the sorrow swallowing up the joy and then grace to hold both in the same moment. Then the space to feel each feeling as it passes through. Sometimes it’s overwhelming and other times it’s refreshing. Gosh, grief is weird. Emotions are weird. It’s been an entire month though and while we are going to have hard moments we are learning that we will also have joyful ones too. It didn’t feel like we would have true joy again for a while but I think we’re starting to see that we will be okay. Maybe not every moment but at least for a lot of them. We will carry on and Huxley will be there every step of the way in our hearts. God will be there every step of the way carrying us through and we will be there taking whatever that next step is to do the very next thing we need.

This isn’t the most organized thought and I realize that. It’s okay. If you read it, thank you. If you’re confused… well me too. I just needed a place to put words down. Whether they make sense or don’t I do feel a little better, at least in this moment and that’s a win for now. We take those small moments and roll with them these days. Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the last month of prayer and thoughts and calls, messages, gifts, cards, hugs, meals, flowers, and every single thing in between. We are so grateful to have you in our tribe.