Hypocrite

It’s weird to be here again. “Here” being my big emotions. Not because I didn’t think I’d never have hard days again but because this has been a whole hard month. It’s been weeks of toiling, and doubts, and going back to those early questions. This is a big wave and I think our whole family is feeling this one. There are a few things that may be contributing, either individually or combined efforts, I guess it doesn’t really matter. The wave is here and it doesn’t seem like it’ll be passing anytime soon. We were warned that year 2 would be harder than year 1. We have had a few big life changes aside from it being year 2 so I haven’t been able to tell where the line is. It’s been a hard year, sure, but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what from at any given moment. So in a sense it’s making the second year of losing Hux… easier. I say that with a LOT of hesitation. Easier isn’t a word I would use to describe anything, really. Just that it’s hard on a lot of levels so when I pull the Huxley parts out from the rest of the hard stuff and into their own category…it seems “easier”. Honestly, I don’t know.

One thing that is different this year is a project I am trying to get off the ground that comes from losing and loving Huxley. I am revisiting all of those hard and terrible moments. It happens so quick too. I will look back on those days and those posts and journal entries and think “wow, look at what God has done” and “whoa, I’m doing okay” and then like a switch I’m bawling, a crumbling mess, having trouble catching a breath and unsure how I got there. There is so much prayer going in to this project in hoping to see fruit from it. Whether it be in myself, in my family, or in others… I may not know for a while but I do hope to see growth somewhere.

I talked with a friend earlier, well it was text but still, she just said “Hey, thinking of you” and I responded “Thanks, I’ve been having a rough few days” I immediately felt so guilty. The thoughts started swirling again “how long will I put my sorrows on others? How long, God, do I have to rely on You and on others to lift me up? Will I ever have talked enough about him, about this, about loss? When will I be better? I want to tell my friends I’m good and I want to carry their burdens with them how they have done for me in carrying my burdens to the cross and laying them at His feet” I’m ready to be a part of my village again. A part of the village that is useful, impactful, inspiring even. I want to be the help, the hands and feet. Not the wound. I don’t want to be the wound anymore. I don’t want to be the disruption to His work or the thing that slows us down. It’s not my time yet, still. I will wait. Every time I try to pick up the sorrows of someone near and dear to me I stumble…but I’m getting stronger. You know the old saying 3 steps forward 1 step back. I may be going backwards sometimes but I am making progress. Anyways, I think we’re all feeling this wave. Samuel told me today that he loves his little brother but he really would like a little brother he could see, touch, and grow up with. He wants someone to play with. Molly keeps saying she’s a big sister and she is, she absolutely is. But I can’t help but think she also wants what Samuel wants. Something I can’t change or give them. At least not for now. That doesn’t make me a failure, I know. I sure do feel like one though. I would give my kids anything in this world… Huxley isn’t in this world though and I can’t make him be no matter what I do. No matter how good I am or how strong or how proper, kind, intelligent. It’s not a card I have in my hand.

I’ve been trying to encourage friends who have lost their babies recently because somehow when you become a part of this “club” you are now in a front seat position to see others enter it as well, and while I have lied about nothing…these last few days have made me feel like maybe I did. Maybe it doesn’t get better. That’s not true though. There has been joy and love and fun and happiness. God has revealed himself over and over again to show me His presence. I’m just stubborn I guess. Why do I feel like a hypocrite for having a hard day, though? The truth is, this way of life is for the rest of my life whether I like it or not. So I’m trying to make the most of it. Not waste any bit of the hurt. It’s why I share. It’s why I talk to others who have lost their babies. It’s why I write. It’s hard to say that sometimes I think I feel okay and that’s the best I’ll ever feel and to look back at pictures where I was truly happy and in these big waves think nope, that wasn’t happy. It’s just a picture, then I see it, the sad eyes in me and Billy, but it’s a lie and I need to stop it right where it’s at. Sure we have sorrow in our eyes because we have sorrow in our hearts but I can be happy and sad. Joyful and sorrowful. I can and absolutely do feel joy and happiness. Those pictures ARE joyful and REAL and there is happiness in our eyes too. Right? I felt it, I’m not imagining that? It does get…better? Another hesitation. Mostly because it does and will always suck that Hux isn’t here. It will always suck that every picture even the lot joyful of ones has an empty space where Huxley would fit perfectly and that spot is just blinding. But life can be good. It has been good. I’m struggling through month this you guys but this wave will pass. Words are hard right now and I’m having to convince myself of what I believe. I’m having to convince myself of what I already know, what I’ve already witnessed is true. Why is it so hard? I have actually seen Him work and He will do it again! It’s time to give it back to Him. To give Huxley back. To give my thoughts and my “what ifs” and my old dreams back. Time to hand it over and remember He is good, He is taking care of me. Listen, this isn’t the most encouraging thing I’ve ever written. I am beyond aware of that. This is the fight that happens in my brain though. It is a roller coaster. Ultimately though, I am so blessed with the kids I have here on Earth, I’m honored to be my husbands wife, and honored to be the mom to Huxley that I get to be. God is working incredible things in me and in my family. Our lives are changed because of every blessing, every ash turned into beauty and every single thing He has done in between. Thank you Jesus.