Moving with grief

We recently moved states and the move has been great, honestly. That’s what you’ll keep seeing me post about on SM bc it’s true. It is great. The scenery is amazing and the weather is fantastic. We’re exploring and actually having fun. It’s not an act. But this blog is for those inner most thoughts and feelings and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was really emotionally hard too. The feelings that pop in and out real quick. The twinges of pain. The moments of realization. While the former part of this is all true…so is this latter part. It’s been hard. I’ve cried many nights. Had many hard days. Moving after losing a child is… it’s like losing them again. Differently though. This time I’m losing anywhere that he was. I’m losing all the people that held us through it and the ones that held him (now obviously I’m not losing those people as friends but I’m losing close proximity to them). I’m losing the places and reminders of him and where he was and those he touched. Now I have this whole new area of newness (better words will come later) that he’s never been a part of, it feels like I’ve left him behind. People that don’t even know he existed. (Do I like that or hate it… hate it- I want people to know him. But I don’t know maybe like it? I don’t want them to fully know ME the part of me that grieves. The part of me that hates this place bc he’s not here. The part of me that is sort of sometimes putting on a smile bc “I’m new and don’t want to look so needy”). Traveling and being in a new place I often found myself counting my children to be sure we were all together. Considering Huxley was never alive earthside with us you’d be amazed at how many times I counted to three and went wait where’s three! He’s missing! Where’d he go? Oh…yeah. He’s not here. He won’t be here. Dang okay. One two. Who even counts two? You can look and say “both boom done”. No counting really required. Unless you think you’re counting to three. One two thr… eee. Because he counts. He matters. My brain kept the third count and instead of counting a child in view I counted “and three” to Jesus, sometimes looking at my memorial ring I had made from the flowers at his funeral. Weird? Maybe. I can’t not count him though.

We traveled with his ashes in our backseat bc we didn’t trust any moving company to touch them. We traveled with his blankets bc we didn’t want to risk losing them. We traveled with almost everything of his because how could we not. It made for a lot of checking the car and bringing in a lot of “extra” bags into each hotel every night. It was a reminder in a new way that we’re not whole.

I’ve been sick for three days. Everyone else only had it one. I think bc I’ve been sad it’s lasted longer. Allowed me to sleep away in bed the way I did in those early days. Every night I pray for health for our family and tonight I realized that’s what I prayed for for Huxley. Health. He had health though. The doctors said he was one of the healthiest looking babies. He didn’t have a heartbeat. This helped me remember once more that He, not I, is in control. I guess it’s a good thing to realize but it also made me feel a little defeated. Sort of like, what are all my efforts for? I’ve really “grieved” my way into being physically unhealthy this last year. My blood work wasn’t great and it’s absolutely due to me not “taking care of me” but I was. I was taking care of me- the mental parts of me anyways. The physical really fell far and I’ve been working to fix and take care of myself in that way. But that moment of realization I felt- at the same time- at ease in my worry and defeated in my efforts. How do I battle that? Anyways the move is great- not a lie

the move is also really hard- not a lie

we’re going to really love it here- to be determined. My expert (on me) opinion… not a lie.