It’s a new year. When the new year hit it felt surprisingly harder than Christmas. Christmas is sacred in a way that our savior redeems any sorrowful feelings but the New Year… I actually despised it. It kind of felt like we were leaving Huxley behind. Like he couldn’t come with us into this year or something. I may have said this in a previous post (I honestly can’t remember what I wrote here and what I wrote in my journal) but he was a part of 2022 with us finding out we were pregnant and all the memories of finding out his gender and just all the things, then he was born in 2023 and died in 2023 and this whole year has been what feels like a whirlwind. It came and it went but somehow it feels like a whole lifetime and while I have Huxley to show for it, I don’t have him. 2024 is just the next year. Are we really expected to just keep going in life?
Yes. The answer is yes. Of course it is and of course we will keep going on but it’s a different path and at a different pace. It’s wild.
Some things I’m noticing about myself particularly (I try to keep the blog in my voice and don’t want to speak of anyone else’s perspective/experience-that’s their story to tell) is that I’m still very forgetful. Sensory overload comes so much faster these days. Even cooking a meal flusters me to the point of takeout quite often. We had friends over not too long ago and I offered to make dinner for us all and they accepted, even though they know my cooking is mediocre at best 😆and so I started to grab some food to cook and I stopped at least four times before even turning the oven on because I couldn’t get my thoughts together. All I was trying to do is bake some chicken, heat up some veggies, and make some easy Mac n cheese. Not the best but certainly not the worst but clearly very easy. They watched me fumble and so politely shifted and said “hey, chicken takes forever to cook why don’t the guys get dinner and bring it back. It’ll be faster and the kids will enjoy it”. I’m so thankful for friends who don’t judge my inability even at almost a year later.
I’m also moving into the “anger” stage. I’m not angry at the things I should be or thought I would be though. I’m angry at sweet people just trying to be kind or things like people breathing next to me. I even got flustered with the nicest people at my church serving our fellowship meal the other day. Man, I hope they didn’t notice. And if they did notice, I really hope they have some spare grace for me and my big attitude. It seemed so effortless to me in the beginning to cling to God, lately though I’ve stepped back. Someone recently asked me why I thought that was and I didn’t have an answer. Then she asked what can you do or what are you doing to change that. My answer with a chuckle was “well, I should probably start praying again” and she seriously agreed. So that night or the next I prayed. I realized how horribly angry at God I am. Which I’m aware is normal with grief but I don’t like it. The thing is, sure I’m mad He allowed Huxley home and in His arms instead of mine, but I’m also overjoyed for Huxley for that part. What I’m really mad at is that He took Huxley from Billy, the most kind and loyal husband and father. I’m mad He took Huxley from Samuel who loved Huxley more than anything. He gave him kisses daily and baby talked him and spoke of wonderful hopes and dreams to share with him. He took him from Molly who is just now starting to understand that we don’t get to have Huxley here even though other friends are having little babies that they do get to have and hold here. I’m mad that some of their innocence has been taken. I’m mad. I am generally not an angry person so it feels strange. If I am angry, I fix it. I can’t fix this. Any of it! I can’t fix it for anyone else either. It feels like I’m infuriatingly useless right now.
My brain and my heart are competing too. Also a weird feeling. My emotions suck but I know the truth. I know God is good. I know He loves Billy and the kids and me. I know He’s strong enough to handle my anger. I know he’s strong enough to handle it when I pray out with that anger that “I just want a break from [Him])” I know He knows my heart. My anguish. Sorrow. Fear. He knows. And I don’t really want a break from Him…how could I? He’s my Creator and my Savior. I feel ashamed that I even thought those words not to mention that I actually said them out loud but I think what I want a break from is the sadness. I know there is forgiveness and I’m standing firm on the knowledge I have. I know He has walked through every step of this with us and I won’t turn away. I will keep my eyes on Him and push through. Or let Him drag me through-who knows what’s actually happening anymore.
Okay- enough of the dramatic Katina- I’m fine. I don’t have to live angry. I don’t have to live sad. There is joy for me still. There are joyful days ahead. I’m hopeful of that much. If this last year has taught me anything- it’s to hold on loosely, love really big and trust God. So I will.
We’re coming up on his birthday soon. It’ll be on Easter this year. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Huxleys first birthday than with the hope I have in Christ because of His resurrection.
Even Morse Sweetly 