It feels like the holidays are just kicking me down at every turn this year. I expected that. But I didn’t expect the extent to which I felt it. There was a GriefShare seminar at my church recently and it gave some good pointers as for what to expect and how to take the punches. It was helpful but in all honesty, I didn’t think I needed a lot of it, until I did.
I got really sad at thanksgiving. Being around a big group of family and just feeling the sense that we were missing an extra little one taking the spotlight of the day. It was just heavy. That day, I left to a secluded room and laid down for a bit by myself, I also had a wonderful conversation with my grandmother about loss. I understand her in a way I never expected to. She was comforting and gave me a good little pep talk… which included tears and about 30 hugs and encouragement.
The next day is traditionally when we decorate. Samuel was very aware of this and wouldn’t let us get away with not starting immediately and I was excited to move into my favorite time of year too. Once we brought out the decorations though, I froze, and cried, and hated the idea of decorating. How was I going to add Huxleys presence and bring memories and tradition with him when he’d never been a part of the holidays with us. But I couldn’t leave them the same and pretend he isn’t a huge part of our lives or that because he never celebrated with us that we would just… leave him out. No, that wasn’t an option. All of a sudden everything was so overwhelming. We’re about 9 months into this and I keep thinking it’ll end soon, it won’t. It shouldn’t.
I’ve had stronger feelings as time has passed. It really doesn’t get easier and sometimes I still have the hardest day I’ve ever had even though I’m 9 months out from the actual worst day of my life. I never believed someone could actually die from heartbreak. I believe differently now. There have been many nights that I was scared to go to sleep thinking my heart would just stop beating from sadness. I told Billy this recently and he said he’d had the same thought.
Something that is harder than going through heartache like this is watching your partner go through heartache like this. He’s my best friend. Watching him hurt is so so hard and brings on its own feelings of grief and sadness that I can’t change. This season felt like I dropped all the pieces of me again. I had pulled them all together and put them safely in a bag and had even started putting me back together and this season shook me until every piece fell back to the ground.
BUT. But God. At that GriefShare program “surviving the holidays” seminar I heard some of the best little nuggets to carry with me and I’m so grateful. One being that while we all think of Christmas as this happy and jolly holiday when we think about it’s origin or why we celebrate its to celebrate the birth of Christ. Then when you think further why did Christ come? He came for us. For the broken. For the sinner. For the hurting. If there wasn’t sadness, death, and sin, there wouldn’t have been the need to be saved. There would be no reason for Jesus to be born. So this holiday is the sufferers holiday. This celebration is for those who are sad, hurt, and “too far gone” He came for us. To save us. To love us. They said something like it’s natural to want to run from this holiday but if you can pivot your perspective just a little it will make you want to run straight for this holiday! This holiday season is sad for many but be encouraged, this day of celebrating our Lord being born is one to celebrate big BECAUSE of our sadness/hardship/trauma/sin because He came to save you FROM it.
I share the first part of this message to be open that while I believe the second part of this post whole heartedly I still have the days that look like the first part and they are allowed to coexist for me and for you no matter what you’re dealing with.
Hard days don’t necessarily mean bad days. And good days aren’t always easy. Sometimes it’s easier to have a bad day actually. Sometimes even in the hard days, I feel good about my place with Christ and my thoughts on our family and Huxley. I’m not sure why I say that. I think it’s because I often say I have had a hard day but I don’t always mean I’ve had a miserable day or even bad. It’s just been hard to move through. Hard isn’t bad. It’s just hard. So if you hear me say that, I’m alright. I could maybe use a hug or prayer or a friend to chat with but you don’t have to assume that I hate life or anything. On the contrary, I’m very honored to be placed in my family where I am. I’m honored to be my kids, all three of them, mom. I’m honored to be where God has put me in whatever ways that looks. Even to be a mom who has had great loss and to be hopeful for what God will do on this journey for us, through us, and for others.
Even Morse Sweetly 