Still a blessing

I’ve started this post many times in my head and on paper and I can’t seem to get it right. I want to say so many things but struggle with what to share and what to hold back. This part, I think is kind of funny because so many people often say “oh, I just don’t know what to say” or “I didn’t want to ruin a good day if you were having one” but the truth is… same! I don’t know what to say either. I don’t know if me saying something will bring your day down or make you not want to hang around me as much. So as much as you don’t know…. Me too. I wish I knew and I know you do too. By the way, it’s okay if you don’t know. And it’s kind of you to not want to ruin my day. I think it’s very thoughtful that you are trying to think of something but can’t find the right words and that you are trying to figure out how I’ll handle talking about everything. That’s so kind of you. Please do remember though, if it’s on your heart to say or share or talk to me… just say it. You aren’t responsible for my feelings, responses, or reactions. I am and I will take full responsibility for them. So please, don’t be afraid to say something or ask something or pray something. More than likely you have made my day.

Anyways,
what I do know is that God is good. He is faithful and loving. He hasn’t punished me. As a matter of fact, He says children are a blessing. Which means Huxley is STILL A BLESSING! I’m not shouting this in anger. I’m shouting it in praise. He is still a blessing and God has blessed me with him. Huxley is still my child and I’m blessed by that.
I also know that Huxley is in way better hands right now. Even though I still long for him to be in mine. It’s so unexplainable the feeling of being fully content and completely heartbroken at the same time. Those are such contradictions that my brain has a hard time with it, yet, here I am with both of those 100% true.

For those of you who aren’t local and read this blog but don’t actually see us in person, I want you to know, we’re okay. We laugh and joke and see friends. We go to church and praise God for who He is and for our (very specific and detailed and divinely made) journey through life. Sure, every single day has hard moments, sad moments, even angry moments that revolve around us losing Huxley BUT… but, we have the immense honor of serving a God that can use those emotions and turn them for good. He’s given us our emotions. Somehow we are now able to mix those emotions i mentioned above with those of joy, happiness, and hope. So while my blog tends to shed more attention on grief and what this process looks like I hope there are streams of light pouring in and showing the love we’ve been given, the hope that we have, and the beauty being made from ashes that we WILL experience one day.

Some days it’s easier to see the positive and others…not so much. Even on those not so easy days though I try to come back quickly to the reality that Christ is with me, He loves me and He is not surprised by anything in our lives. He knows the biggest and littlest details. I can trust that He will do what only He can do- with me, my family, the sorrow, the joy, and every circumstance- He is still Lord of all.