While I can’t speak fully into their journey as it is theirs and not my own I will share some of the moments we’ve had as a family that have given us joy in the sadness, broken our hearts further, melted our hearts, or just been what’s kept us holding on for dear life.
When we first found out that we had lost Huxley we didn’t know what to do or who to tell first. We knew we couldn’t quite tell my family yet because they’d be with the kids and we wanted to be the ones to tell them. Eventually we were able to get a good time for Billy to head home and let them know in person. They were sad and didn’t quite understand. I’m not sure our 2 year old grasped any of it and our 5 year old was more confused than anything.
The next time Billy saw them was after Huxley was actually born and he went home to let them know mommy was fine and Huxley had been born. On that trip Billy stayed a bit longer with them and had dinner at the house just the three of them. At dinner we usually light candles and eat by candlelight and natural light with our blinds open and that night was no different for them in that. But as Billy lit the candles Molly started to sing happy birthday and when the to whom part came up she said to Huxley. She wasn’t wrong, it was his birthday but how did she know that him being here, even though also gone, also meant happy birthday? We still don’t know but it was sweet. Then, before Billy came back to the hospital, Samuel rushed to write a card for him which we have saved and it says “happy birthday Huxley, I wrote this card for you. I hope you love it. Love buba” then he drew a picture of the 5 of us watching fireworks and told Billy to bring them back to the hospital for Huxley because he would love them. We took Huxleys picture with them because Samuel is right, he would have loved them. Later the kids came to the hospital to meet him. Molly was excited about the baby and touched his face and blew kisses. Samuel had a harder time. Knowing that this baby wasn’t alive and having a little more understanding he was more reserved and scared. He didn’t want to hold him and he cried looking at him just sad that his brother wasn’t here with us but we could still see his body. I certainly didn’t see my first dead body at 5 and don’t blame him for being apprehensive. While we waited for the photographer to get to the room a nurse came in to get some bloodwork and he asked Billy a question about Huxley and why he wasn’t alive that sent the nurse into tears and running out of the room. She left to gather herself, apologized (which she did not need to, she was sad with us and I appreciated it) and came back to finish her work. She doted on Huxley every time she came to the room after that.
After getting home it got harder. Molly only being 2 didn’t quite understand why we weren’t bringing him home. So she asked for him a lot. Asked if he was back in my tummy a lot and asked to see pictures of him…a lot. We answered truthfully and always obliged to pictures. She is still the one person that says his name cheerfully. Everyone else kind of says it with a hint of sadness. Even we do. How could we all not? We’re all sad. Us, you guys, everyone who hears and knows this story is sad with us so of course we say his name with some sadness in our voices, but not Molly. She says his name happy and cheerful and excitedly. I love it every single time now, whereas before it kind of threw me off to hear it that way.
One thing we do with our kids is gifts from each other when we bring a new baby home. So the big kids got Huxley a stuffed animal which is present in most pictures and Huxley got each of the kids a small gift. The kids knew this before we lost Huxley so we didn’t forgo the exchange we gave them their gifts and said that it’s what Huxley had “picked” for them and he would be happy for them to still have the gifts even though he doesn’t get to be with us. After opening their gifts, Samuel immediately got up and started drawing a picture and when he was done he gave it to me and Billy and said “this is a picture of this very moment but with Huxley alive!!” He said it with so much joy and then said “because then it would be perfect” he was right. It would have been a perfect moment. The picture is Billy holding Huxley, Huxley holding two presents and me, Molly and Samuel sitting on the floor waiting to open them. It’s a picture we will frame because how I wish it were a true full and perfect moment. The memory of what could have been seen by the eyes of a 5 year old and drawn onto paper is what we will hold onto until that moment happens in heaven.
A few times Samuel has said that he’s sad about Huxley not being here. Sad that they were suppose to all dress up as 3 superheroes but now it’s not possible, or that they were going to share a room and have the best bunk beds when he was bigger, and how they were supposed to be best friends because that’s what brothers do. So many times those things just sting and melt my heart all at once. Samuel loved Huxley so fiercely. He even sort of named him! Every day I would drop him off at jiu jitsu he would kiss my belly and say I love you Huxley. And every night before bed he would kiss my belly and baby talk to him telling him how cute he was going to be and how much fun they’d have. A lot of dreams were crushed for Samuel the day we lost Huxley and it breaks my heart in a whole different way to see it. The kids move fast through their emotions though. They’re sad and then move on, change the topic, and are happy again. It’s incredible. Samuel has been a rock though. Anytime I’m sad he reminds me where Huxley is, or sometimes he just sits and holds my hand, and when I was barely getting out of bed he’d come lay with me and say he loves me. That kid is something special and we are all so lucky to have him. Molly hasn’t been sad just yet about Huxley but she asks for him often, every day in fact, and she wants to see him and has recently started saying “Huxley home” and I’m not sure if she’s asking when we will bring him home or if she’s stating that he is home (because he is) but I love that she’s thinking of him.
These kids are brave and caring and I have no idea what their little hearts are feeling but I know they’re grieving and processing just as much as we all are.
I don’t have any clue on how to tie this one up nice and neat because this is another one of those hurts that I just have a hard time fathoming and watching but I have to watch and make sure they’re okay. Is what I do know is that we have an amazing community looking out for our kids, watching them, encouraging them, and being there for them just as they are for us. I know that these kids have made joy appear back in our lives faster than I could have ever imagined. It’s okay that the joy is mixed with sorrow, it truly is. They are a part of what is propelling us to our knees at the foot of the cross with humble and thankful hearts and handing over the ashes of our hearts that He’s turning into beauty.
Even Morse Sweetly 