Looking up… kinda

I have a lot of half thoughts floating around. Things I want to remember and things I want to share but there doesn’t seem to be the right way or the right post to make about it. Here I’m just going to share those random thoughts and feelings.

We’ve entered into month 4 and our doctor said months 4-6 seem to be the hardest on parents. The shock has worn off and you’re left with thoughts of what was supposed to be. It’s also a time when a lot of milestones start happening. Intentional smiles and giggles, rolling, sleepingo more, the exhaustion of the fourth trimester is coming to end so you see the newborn stage for all the glory that it is around this time. I have to say, it has been harder. I have had more consecutive bad days than I think I ever did before. The fourth trimester is real even when you don’t have your baby with you. I am still very much postpartum (look it and feel it) just no baby to prove my hard work for the last year. I want to talk about Huxley all day to anyone who will listen. I bring him up in all conversations. Sometimes not even sure how I did it. I feel guilty because I don’t even know him. But somehow I feel like I know exactly who he was going to be. Parenting a baby in heaven is strange in that I want to talk about Him but don’t want to overdo it. Just like I don’t want to over talk or brag on my kids that are with me now… same struggle but different because over bragging about living kids possibly annoys people and over sharing about a baby who died has the potential to make people uncomfortable. Not everyone may feel this and it is probably more of an internal misperception on my end but I can’t help having those thoughts.

We were watching Up the other day and the little boy, Russel, kind of looked like a big kid baby Huxley to me. Billy and I enjoyed that. It even gave us a little chuckle.
I get a little nervous with how our doctor was so right about this being a hard time because our friend, a bereavement doula and fellow loss mama, says that year two is actually harder than year one. I’m not sure I can handle that. And even so, another friend made from our (and their) loss says year five is incredibly difficult too. I guess that’s just how it goes. So many of you comment how strong I am or how strong these other families are but strong is just not what I feel. God is made strong in my weakness and here I am weak- therefore He makes me strong. Either way it’s not of my own doing. I promise.
Some good news is that those very same people who have mentioned hard days are coming are happy and loving people who seem to have good day to day days and while I hear them saying there is more struggle to come I can also see there is goodness to come and happiness and healing and grace. I read something the other day that mentioned about their own baby and loss as their first birthday approached that as they celebrated their sweet one they had to remember that that baby was never meant to be at this birthday. They were always meant to have that birthday in heaven. Something about that just sinks in differently. I know God didn’t want or make this happen. But the truth is, He allowed it and He knew it would happen. He knew Huxley would not take a breath outside of my womb. His life is meaningful even so. I will make sure if that. I will live and not let life be wasted. His nor mine.

The best way to describe why I think this time is so hard is in the first phase after losing a baby or anyone for that matter, you’re in shock and you’ve got your head down and just trying to take that next step. I started to get good at that so I decided to lift my head and upon lifting it all I see are friends having babies, invites to baby showers, emails to join a celebration or birthday or meal train and all those things are good and I want to be invited and I truly am happy for all of those friends if not a little jealous too, but I’m starting a new phase of grief and life that I’m currently really bad at which is taking those same steps as before but now looking at life and others lives. Not just staring at my feet wishing them to move. So grace walks in. I’m bad at seeing all the new babies. I’m bad at being invited to baby showers. I’m bad at listening to others birth stories without being jealous. BUT I refuse to stay in a place of jealousy and sadness. I want to rejoice with all of those around me rejoicing in things. But I am bad at it right now and I hope you have as much grace as I need for this. Will it I be bad for a while, yes. Will it come back even after I get through this phase, probably. But I won’t let it be a state that I live my life in. I hope you don’t either. Whatever trauma or sadness you’re living through right now, I hope you make the choice to not stay there forever. No one can tell you how long to be there and no one should. We all take different amounts of time through phases of life so I’m not saying you or I need to speed things up, I’m currently letting my kids have a screen filled day with the easiest of foods because I’m still in the thick of it some days and we’ve had more of these days than I care to admit, but my point is just make the decision to not stay there FOREVER. Make the choice now that you will get up in time when you’re ready. Make the declaration now that you’re not down forever even though it feels that way. I’m here with you and saying the same things even on the days that I’m cursing and crying because my decision stands that I won’t stay here forever. (At least this is the part I will read to myself on hard days)