It’s Monday, signifying that another week has started. Another week to pass by. I think we’re doing okay, I think. It’s strange to think I would have a 4 month old right now. My doctor told me the 4-6 month phase would be one of the hardest and so far she’s not wrong. This month has been full of more consistently bad days and they tend to be more extreme than before. Before my days were all kind of in the middle. Not good. Not bad. But okay… I was alive and living life putting one foot in front of the other. But now, but now the intrusive thoughts are hard to combat, the freeze mode is hard to get past- where I want to do something or anything and can’t move or can’t get myself to do it even if it’s just brushing my teeth. I’m not depressed. I’m just frozen. They do sounds similar though as I write this. Then a friend who has also lost a child said year two is harder than year one. Then another friend I’ve made through child loss says year 5 is coming up for her and showing to be a really hard year. I think I can see why each one of those time frames is hard. For instance the 4-6 month is looking hard because we’re past shock and starting to get back into a rhythm of life and that feels icky. We’re missing someone. A major part of our equation of this “normal” is missing. We are out of the physical healing and danger zone and some primary thoughts have been hashed out but they bring in new more complex ones now. These ones are harder to answer or justify and see Gods plan. We feel guilty and sad and a little happy too just because life has a way of still being funny and we do have two other kids that are quite hilarious. Them being funny doesn’t take away our sad and hurt but it allows for life to still have some giggles. And our sad and hurt don’t take away from life still being good, from God being good. But this 4-6 month mark also reminds us of all the milestones that come at this time. Smiles and giggles and rolling and sleeping well. Our eyes are also a bit lifted now. Our heads have been down for so long just looking at our own feet and now they’re up and seeing how everyone else’s life is still going. We’ve been under the water drowning and now our heads are kind of bobbing on top. Our eyes are lifted and we’re starting to see the world again and that’s hard. It’s hard to walk out of our little comfort zone and looking into our own struggles and starting to see others again. See their struggles, their accomplishments, their lives, and kids and the things they are laughing about and complaining about, all the things. It’s hard and I think that’s why this 4-6 month phase has been difficult. I guess the good part of all that is we’re not necessarily drowning anymore. We get pushed down by waves every so often and storms will come but we do get to come up for air.
It probably doesn’t help that in my life and those surrounding me it’s baby season. A few friends were pregnant and due a little before us and that was sad after we lost huxley to see their babies as Huxley would have been but it was okay but now a number of friends are about to have babies or finding out they’re pregnant. I’ve already had to skip two baby showers because I just can’t make myself go. Not because I’m not okay…I am, but because on that day in that moment I may not be okay. I don’t want to cry while we’re trying to celebrate a precious baby and mama. Another major reason is because (now whether or not this is true I don’t know but it feels true) I feel like people would just be watching and waiting to see how I do. It’s kind of how all of life feels right now. While it seems a little maybe egotistical (not sure this is the word I’m going for but it’s all I’ve got at the moment) I promise it’s not. People actually do stare and sometimes ask questions when I’m in places where many people know what happened. Questions are always welcome. Even the stares are welcome because I know it comes from a place of caring but the fact of the matter is it does happen. People admit to doing it, we see it for ourselves and I just didn’t want to take that too a celebratory event. Another truth is as days pass I feel like I’m getting worse and I can feel the sadness, jealousy, and why’s all coming back. I know it’s a phase but gosh it really sucks. That’s all for now. Thanks for stopping by.
Even Morse Sweetly 