We finally got our pictures back of Huxley. I’m waiting to look at them with Billy when he gets home from work. I’m nervous. I want to see them. I’ve been waiting for like 11 weeks to see them. And I know I’ll just love the photos of him. I’m nervous for the ones with the rest of us in them. It was the day I delivered him. I know that I physically am going to look just awful but It’s not that that makes me nervous. Im not sure I can handle looking at the pain on each of our faces. We were miserable. Of course we were. I just don’t know if I can be strong enough for that yet. Then I’m not sure what all she captured of my older two kids. I know Samuel was sad and scared and molly was happy and confused. I just think it’s going to be one of those things we file under hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It just seems like looking at pictures shouldn’t be like that. It shouldn’t be something that is hard yet here I am unable to decide how I even feel about it. What emotions are these? Am I happy, sad, excited, nervous. Kind of all of them. Im happy to finally have them. And excited to have amazing photos of Huxley. Nervous at what I’ll see. Sad that’s it’s documentation of the worst day of my life. Angry that it happened. Grateful that these are gift for us to treasure. How. How are this many emotions even possible?
Update: We looked at them. We cried and laughed. He’s so big and perfect. How in the world did he grow so well!? I’ll never know. They made his skin look just the way God made it to look. (He was losing his skin at birth so we never got to see his face or body fully but they made it happen) I love pictures I thought I wouldn’t. The hardest picture to look at is one of all 5 of us. Its also my favorite. It’s strange to see all 3 of my babies together. Samuel looks like the oldest sibling, not just the older sibling and Molly looks like a middle kid. Not a baby. It’s so surreal to see them all together and it was the hardest to bring into my heart. It feels all the more real seeing them together. I still have days where it feels like we’re just awaiting his arrival. Or days when I think I’m still pregnant. I have to remind myself I’m not, that Huxley already came and left. It’s hard to see that picture and know that I’ll never have an updated version of it. I love it, it’s just hard. One day we will all be together again though. I’ll yearn for those days while I wait. We will live good lives and love on our earth side babies until then.
Even Morse Sweetly 