Shattered. Broken. Pieced back together.

I get asked often how I’m doing or what I’m thinking about (especially when I stare off into space) and I’m so grateful that people care and care enough to actually ask the hard and personal questions. Because I like to talk about things and I want to help anyone understand any of this better including myself. The truth is most days I don’t really know how I’m doing. It changes often and I don’t want to down play feelings or over exaggerate others or say I’m good and then it turns bad and my help for the day has walked away thinking I’m good because that’s what I said. It doesn’t feel honest to say I’m good or bad at any given moment. But I think the best way to describe my place right now is I don’t feel shattered today. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like my heart is in a million pieces but somehow those pieces aren’t scattered across the floor. Like I’ve managed to pick them all up or like I’m holding all the pieces in my arms but not put back together yet. Maybe they won’t ever be, but the shards and pieces and fragments of me aren’t scattered across the floor just waiting to be trudged on today. I feel like I’m still broken but at least I have my pieces in one place again. I think that’s a pretty good place to be. Some day God will fit those pieces back together. It’ll be messy. It’ll be rough and jagged edges. There will be gaps and the pieces won’t fit perfectly because they once were whole and now they aren’t. But one day they will at least be held together. Today isn’t that day but I have hope for it because today I don’t feel shattered and that’s… good. Even brighter days will come in heaven when not only am I put back together but made whole and fresh and new and perfect. There will be no missing pieces on that day. No gaps to be filled. No breaks. Just one perfectly whole me. I wish I could draw on nights like this because the picture in my head is so cool and I would love to be able to share it. Alas, I cannot draw well at all! So hopefully the description is enough for you to imagine it too. Today I’d draw me picking up the pieces of my heart and just holding them. Gathering them in my arms and waiting for the day they will be put back together.